randomsoliloquy

I've attained something very important on my path to self actualization.

I have had the courage to start over.  It is actually on my 43 things.

I have started school, plan to continue.  I am going to stand on my own two feet and make my own way for Alana and I.  I am on the road to becoming an ASL interpreter.  I'm going to get my bachelor's in Psychology, my licensing,  and maybe, my master's, too.   I can buy my own groceries, house, happiness.  It is a very freeing sort of revelation.  I don't need to take any treatment I don't like and I'm not obligated to anyone I don't want to be.  I know that I am going to school to become my own provider as well as a role model to my kids.    I am capable of standing on my own with no one to take care of me but, more importantly with no one to take care of.  I am an enabler by nature.   A nurturer to a fault.  After my nieces, it was my lovers.  Now I have Alana.  Now I have me.  I'm pretty okay.

Current Location: On the path to Actualization.
Current Mood: focused
Current Music: "She Got Her Own" - Neyo, Jamie Foxx, Fabolous

I just found out Laura's been lying to me. 
For a long time. 
After she swore on everything she wouldn't anymore. 
After I scolded myself for being so paranoid. 
After everything...


She's dead to me.

So, Chantal and I have been talking steadily (every day) for about two weeks.  Weird.  She's totally cool to talk to but I have no romantic leanings toward her.  Commitment issues,  I think I only find that attractive in artists.  Speaking of, I talked to Drew last night.  I saw him for the last time 10 days ago.  I really miss him.  Really. A lot. I am absolutely in love with him in a way that lets me know that we should never be together.  Laura and I are getting on better in the last week.  I think now that I feel like I don't have to speculate on every single action and word being a lie, everything is okay.  She's moving out soon.  I had a pretty shitty day yesterday but a good night and an okay time today, but tonight, I feeling pretty down.  My moods are swinging.  Chan cannot tell when hers are, but I mention it as nicely as I can.  I know mine.  Yesterday, NIkki told me that Maggie is coming home with her.  I'll post that convo.  Uh...Forrest told me my blog prevented him from passing security clearance.  I do not so much believe that,  If an ex's bitter rant prevented you from getting a job...and anyway, it was the truth, so I'm not inclined to be apologetic.  Alana's almost 15 months.  He hasn't done shit for her yet, why should I care whether he lives or dies, much less self-actualizes.  Whatever.  I hate him.  Ruined two lives with his selfishness.  Lord only knows about his other kids.  There are two I know of, but I am increasingly suspicious as to how many there might be.   am going to tell Alana the truth when she's old enough to ask, but I am not going any farther than that.    I don't care.... I'm lying, of course.  I do care.  More than I should.  I will always love him and want the best for him, it just cannot be at the cost of Alana's (or my) best interest and well being.  Too many opportunities were squandered waiting for him to 'get it.'  It is just one of those situations were we will never be happy with the outcome.

Back to Nikki.  Can I tell you how pissed I am??  


Here is the letter I wrote her after a very shocked and distressed conversation wherein I did not say what was on my mind.

Nicole:
My place or not, I cannot help but feel slighted in your decision to bring your beige lover home. I feel she was the causation for the time that we lost together because of her inability to cope with a love and friendship that did not include her. Though the blame for our distance is squarely placed with you, your lover's disallowance of our relationship hurt me, deeply. While I cannot imagine forgiving her selfishness, I feel obligated not to be as selfish as she was. I am disappointed that you want her here. She will serve to me as a daily reminder that there was a long while that our love for one another wasn't strong enough to supersede your desire for acceptance. I don't think, honestly, that I can have a happy relationship that thrives in her presence. I wish you would understand what it is you are asking of me. More afraid of actually liking her, I am afraid that I will continue to hate her just for the sheer fact of who she was and what she did. I already hold a small (large) piece of resentment in my heart for you choosing her over me. I don't know if I will be able to forgive either one of you. I'm torn by the need to love you and desire to make you happy and the need for the self preservation of simply letting go.

~Your Sure Thing.

Megan (7:14 PM):  of course i want to say i believe you and that i'm thrilled to have a new friend, but the truth is i don't and i'm not

Megan (7:15 PM):  i feel like i've just gotten suckered out of private alone time with you for the rest of eternity

Megan (7:24 PM):  uh huh. where is she going to live?

Megan (7:25 PM):  I HATE HER

Megan (7:25 PM):  I HARBOR DEEP SPIRITUAL RESENTMENT

Megan (7:25 PM):  I DO NOT WANT TO SHARE A STATE MUCH LESS A COUNTY MUCH LESS A ZIP CODE MUCH MUCH MUCH LESS MY BEST FRIEND WITH THE LIKES OF HER

Megan (7:28 PM):  how would you feel in my position, nicole?

Megan (7:36 PM):  why should i be the bigger person? why shouldn't i hold her at fault for her actions? why should i subject myself to being nice to someone i would just as soon spit at? cordial, yes. polite, yes. civil, yes. don't expect me to invite her to my house. don't ask me to hang out with her. ain't happenin'

Megan (7:37 PM):  i'm making that stand. i'm not gonna be guilted into that. nuh uh.

Megan (7:38 PM):  i don't even care if i'm being rational. it fucking hurt my feelings.

Megan (7:40 PM):  you fucking hurt my feelings and i'm allowed to be upset.

Megan (7:41 PM):  you tattooed her name on your body as a testament to your love for her and i couldn't even get a fucking weekly phone call.

Megan (7:42 PM):  i don't even want to meet her.

Megan (7:46 PM):  please megan what? please megan...put your feelings on the back burner for the nth time in our relationship and submit to yet another one of my whims despite how much it may hurt you?

Megan (7:48 PM):  because my feelings deserve just as much consideration as anyone's

Megan (7:48 PM):  because i'm tired of loving you til it hurts

Megan (7:48 PM):  because i fucking want to

Megan (7:52 PM):  last time was the last time. you said that after madelyn.

Megan (7:53 PM):  i cannot tell you who to love, who to spend your time with, who to move across the country for or with.

Megan (7:53 PM):  I can, however, choose who I spend my time with.

Megan (8:04 PM):  i am sorry to upset you, but i figure it is appropriate to let you know beforehand so there are no illusions. i thought about it a lot. i'd be lying if i said i was going to give her a fair chance.

Megan (8:05 PM):  i know you love me.

Megan (8:07 PM):  you are not going to make it right for both her and i.

Megan (8:07 PM):  you want her, you can have her. i won't deny you of it.

Megan (8:10 PM):  there is no argument on my side of this conversation, titikiki i am just telling you how i feel

Megan (8:26 PM):  all i can do is give you the chance to show me...

Megan (8:38 PM):  i love you. i want to believe you. i am going to give you the opportunity to make things right, but i am not gonna subject myself to anymore heartache at your hand.

Megan (8:43 PM):  if you treat me the way you have been, you will lose me.

Current Location: on the couch, alone, all alone...
Current Mood: bipolar
Current Music: hate love songs...."She Fucking Hates Me" and "I Hate Everything About You"

How pretentious am I?  Yesterday, I asked my creative writing teacher if she thought I was too advanced for her class. 
How cocky should I be?  She had to think about it.

Current Mood: amused

Okay, two.   Hello!

Happy New Year! Happy School Year!

School starts tomorrow.  As just one facet of a brightly shining rock of determination, I hope school will be the catalyst for change. It took me forever because all my classes got dropped yesterday, but I got three back and picked up two (I know, I know).  Instead of biology, I'm gonna take applied physics and the lab.  That is a total of 14 credit hours.   Next semester (summer? maybe...) I am going to take philosophy, biology, a wellness, and some random electives.  The fall Term, I think I'll go ahead with some other shit just to avoid taking it at the university price.  Other than school, I am still writing and spending all of that money on house things.  When I move out, I won't have huge (as huge) upfront costs because I'm trying to think ahead and be responsible while supporting a life threatening retail therapy habit.   

As far as Laura and I go, things are great and awful at the same time.  She's got a new job and she and her friend are planning on my moving out.  I'm nervous about that.  I worry that I'll arrive at a station in my life where I don't want that interfered with.  I'm alright being a single mom.  Weird.  And I'm also worried we might drift about.  Alana might grow up to have four moms one day.  Jesus.  Poor first grade teacher. 

I miss Nikki!! She will be home in March.  I am so very very excited.  She will live on my couch and have dinner at my house and keep a toothbrush in my holder.  I am losing Andrew this month and gaining Nicole month after next.   Laura has a best friend that she does everything with and I ain't got nobody!!  Woe is me. 

Hmmm....Alana is driving me crazy.  She is a super duper mama's girl.  Intensely.  And not just like she wants my attention,  No, she wants me all the time,  No matter what.  And aggressively seeks my attentions.  It doesn't help that Laura is at work so much during the day that when she is here Alana either treats her like she invisible or has leprosy.

OH MY GOD!!!
Me and my sister got in the biggest fight ever.  I disowned her.  I am completely finished with her bullshit.  She is the most self centered person I know and I am not going to continue subjecting myself to such an emotionally draining relationship.  It's better I cut my losses now than keep this going.    You heard it here first.  I have three sisters.


Now, it is off to bed (eventually) for me...  I still need to call Drew back, agonize, set my alarm,fuss,  pick out my clothes, fret, pack my bag, worry,

Current Location: the edge of my seat...
Current Mood: anxious

Hello Lover!
Thursday, Laura kicked me out.  She called Andrew w/o me knowing and told him to come get me.  She says I'm a shut-in.  She says I need to go out.  I says she should leave me the hell alone.  I don't mind being a hermit.  I just wish there were less people in my shell. 

It was nice though.  In retrospect, he and I got the opportunity to spend some good quality time and get a lot out in the open that really needed discussion.  Or at least acknowledgment.  It's disgusting how much I love him.  Really.  I gross myself out.  I'll spare you the details. It's very queer.  We talked about our (his) intimacy issues and other Dr. Phil topics.  It's terribly odd how someone can be in love with you, hate you, want nothing more than to sleep with you, and view you as their very best friend all at the same time.  We're terribly odd, though, so I digress.

Anyway, I've come to a conclusion, a revelation of sorts.  I have begun to feel that Alana and I are a unit and can live and work autonomously from anyone else.  That is to say, if I am to stay single forever, that's okay.  She doesn't need anyone but me.  I feel good about this now. I'm confident in my parental prowess. 

More on Motherhood as an art form: I am totally okay with the fact that becoming a breeder completely changed me.  If it didn't, I don't know that Alana would have the opportunities she does.  Also, I rather like staying at home with her and honing my craft.  I am going to write books about mommying and housewifery for the modern girl.  In the meantime, I am just going to write…  Thus far, I have done all my Christmas shopping and used only the money I earned writing.  I've also bought a few things for when I move out, which will hopefully be soon…
 

I really need a new shell.

Current Mood: loved

I don't know what it is, LJ.  I just feel crappy.  I guess my moods are changing, but it's more than that.  I'm really upset about a few things and there isn't anyone to talk to--except for you.  And you are me, but only sort of, making you Tyler.  And me.  Odd.

Anyway.

Andrew might be leaving to AZ.  I am happy and proud that he is taking the steps to follow his dreams and jealous that I can't.  But mostly, I am sad to lose him.  No one else likes him.  Nikki thinks he's a bad guy and Laura has a bitter taste in her mouth about him.  I love him, though, and he's prolly my best friend.  The sex isn't bad, either.  He'll be in AZ at some music school for 10 months.  I know he needs it and I've been pushing him to do it, but it's just that he'll be gone...IDK.  After that, I figure he's going to NY to sort himself out.  Essentially, what I am telling you is I', losing him.  Not that I ever had a firm grip on him anyway, but I'm losin' what I did.  Gosh....  At least Nikki will be home in March.  Which is nice, but I am still reserving judgment until she actually gets here.  I know I'm her 'cielo' and she's Alana's madrina, but there is still that little thing about us...  I know we weren't meant to be lovers. I see it now, I just hope she'll be a better friend.  After all, we will be living walking distance from one another.  

Hmmm....
Laura and I are still awkward.  We haven't been together official since August.  I'm getting used to the idea.  We are still on the 'when; not 'if' in regards of getting back together.  She's been spending a lot of time with friends lately, which is good for her.  I still don't have any.  I should really re-purpose my time and make it more productive.  I'm thinking of creating a schedule.  I want to be in a better place by say February that enables us to move.  Right now, I'm only writing.  It isn't paying bills just yet, but I did use what I earned to buy Christmas presents.  I think it's a good start.  I'll be going to school soon, I know that'll put a damper on the whole money making thing, but if I can get enough in scholarships, it won't be too bad.  Also, I think my child support will be fixed soon, so with any luck, maybe someone else can squeeze the deadbeat for some help for some fucking diapers of something.  Last time I went to the grocery store I spent $60 on her NOT including food.  Seriously.  A receipt from Wal-Mart in your wallet would be much better birth control that condoms or pills.  

What else....
Okay, so I think I got everyone a Christmas gift.  Even my mom who is the hardest person to shop for... I'm excited about Christmas, but more excited about school.  I'm even considering letting NaNa go to the campus daycare.  I reconsider though, when I think that if he found out she was there, he might try something if he were to come to town.  It might sound crazy, but I can't take unnecessary risks.  I doubt he'd do anything rash, but I do not know the facility well enough to feel good about it.  And besides, the idea of daycare seems so foreign.  How odd that everywhere around me, people do it as common and acceptable as breathing, yet I feel so ridiculously opposed to it...  I'm sure plenty of kids grow up just fine, I just don't want to take the risk.  Alana is already really aggressive and pretty mean.  I can't imagine that she wouldn't unleash the fury of the Gods on someone's child if given the provocation.  I don't think I'd be able to concentrate in class knowing she was there.  And I only have two classes on campus.  My ASL on Central and Creative Writing at South.  I hate South Campus!!  I've probably said that like 100 times, no exaggeration.   But I do.  Anyway, it's four after eight and I have phone calls to make.  

Until later, LJ.
Love
~M 

Current Mood: crazy

i want to go to st petersburg and protest gov charlie crist's wedding with the rest of the angry homos!! damn kids and resposibilty...are my protesting days over?!  Oh dear, what a frightening idea.

Current Mood: bummed

I cut my hair, 

Just took some scissors to it.  I haven't done that in a long time.  It was freeing.  With it went some part of me that had been rotting inside me.  
Things are changing, I can feel it.

Current Mood: matriculating

Perhaps, it's because now I can finally talk about it.  I mean eventually, the tears will come, but for the most part, it doesn't hurt anymore.  There are three of us that know the whole story, and today...today everyone will.  I'm sorry in advance.


When I got pregnant with Alana, I probably knew right away.  As right away as a woman can know that a life has begum within her.  For a week I kept it to myself, contemplating, debating.  Then, I told him,  I could see the hesitation in his heart, but I knew it was to be expected.  He was still married, we weren't ready...  But this was what he and I had been discussing since high school.  Since before I was ever mentally prepared enough to actually do it.  Since...before I saw my first penis.  He and I were destined to have a daughter.  The second week was iffy,  I urged him to touch my belly, the low soft spot between my own birth wound and my birth canal.  We shared  private laughter at the idea, got more and more nervous as my womb hardened and filled and breathed life into itself.  After three weeks past, we finally got the courage to take a test.  I screamed for a half an hour when it said 'pregnant'.  I calmed down, tried to center myself, and then screamed for a half an hour more.  The next day he told me he didn't want it.  The day after that, I decided I needed it.  

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant.  Half terror, half superstition, the idea of making mention of a baby when the being inside me was less than a cluster of cells seemed too reminiscent of counting unhatched chickens.  The experience of ....having had...fuck.  Six people know this.  Here I am about to tel the world...  The December after I graduated high school, I had a miscarriage.  This, to this day, gives me a strong appreciation for more than you can imagine.  This, coupled with a calendar scare or two taught me that wombs need windows and until they are equipped thusly, nothing is certain.  Anyway, when I finally told Laura, I had to own up.  To lying, to sleeping with him, to all of it.  She hung up with me and I waited next to the phone for her to decide the rest of my life.  By the time I was on the bus to Cali, I had begun to round out a bit better in the middle and had managed that pregnancy glow despite the dark clouds in my head. 

He didn't support me while I was there, didn't seem to be supporting himself at home.  I felt like a hall monitor constantly hollering the same ubiquitous rules.  He told me he was trying.  But, I felt otherwise.  He was going out, drinking, hanging out.  I was damn near homeless.  And then came the worst thing I have ever had said to me in my entire history of being.  He called me one night and told me, "She's pregnant."  His wife.  He fucked her.  While I was here.  Miserable.  He said he was drunk.  I believed him.  Sort of,  I so wanted him to work out.  I wanted to afford my daughter with a father and the right beginning.  I wanted him to be doing right by us.  I figured if I faked it long enough, it would eventually get there.  I couldn't let it go, though.  Pregnant.  Six months after me.  My family had officially become the 'other family.'  I couldn't pretend anymore.  Not only was I the other woman, my kid was now second place, too.  It ate me up inside.  Made my skin crawl.  To this day, it makes me angry just typing this to you. 

I arrived back in Florida after three days on the bus on 04 November.  I went into labor on the 5th.  Alana was born the 6th.  Bam bam bam.  She scarcely waited.  If there'd have been a delay or breakdown or traffic jam, she might've been born on the side of the road in the back of a Greyhound bus in one of those awful little Texas towns where God lost his shoes.  Even in the hospital I was unhappy.  His mom came on the second day and made a scene.  He was never anywhere.  I was scared shitless.  Laura was never asleep.  The drugs made me insane...did I mention I was scared shitless? 

When we got back "home," I needed him to step up, man up, grow up.  But I, being the only person to ever have undying faith in him wasn't enough.  I was too hard.  I wanted too much.  He started seeing his wife, letting her come knock on my mother fucking front door.  That ballsy bitch.... I would've knocked her out so bad, she would've woken up overdue, but I was doped up like a cheap hooker.  He started wearing his wedding ring again.  Just to piss me off.  It worked.  We fought.  Slugged it out once or twice.  But really, how good can your aim be when you're on Oxycodine?  Um, he's got a scar under his eye.  Ask him.  Finally, I drew a line in the sand.  I told him, this is unsatisfactory,  Next paycheck, I need it to buy groceries and cleaning supplies and whatever.  And he had the nerve to question me.  After I have had a hand EVERY major decision in his life, he QUESTIONED ME.  About money.  He is the least financially responsible person you'll meet.  I used to call him when he lived in California to remind him to pay his car note.  When we lived together, I balanced his check book, wrote and addressed all his checks.  He did it because of her....I just...oooooooh.  Nevermind.  Anyway, I told him, don't worry about what I need it for, you do your job and I'll do mine. And you know what that cocksucker had the nerve to tell me (sorry, I'm losing my unbiased edge...) ?  He said that he would decide what I needed and didn't need.  Let me pause here for you to marinate on that one.  HE.  Would decide.  What I needed,  ....Hit you yet?  I'll wait...Okay.  Moving on.  That was my last straw.  (Mind you, this convo took place via text)  He cussed his sorry ass out.  To which he replied, if I wasn't part of the solution, blah blah, and told me I should leave.  Nigga, what?  I told him that that was fine and if that was what he wanted, cool.  He gave me three weeks.  A week later, I packed my shit and left.

That was one year ago, today.

I will be the first to admit that I am a bitch.  I'm mean and bluntly honest and I say what I mean.  My relationship are generally founded with this knowledge in mind.  He most definitely knew.  Alana was born eight years to the day we met.  He knew better than me what a stubborn ass I can be.  And I told him he only got one shot with her.  I never lied, never misrepresented myself or the situation.  And I didn't do anything that I felt or feel was unreasonable.  When you take on a family, you take on the responsibility to provide for that family.  I don't ask a lot.  Honestly.  But what I ask for, I expect.  And I don't like to be disappointed.  Sorry, that's me.  Wait, no, I'm not sorry.  That's me.

This past year has had more downs than ups.  He and I are completely estranged and I doubt that he'll ever she his daughter again, honestly.  If he does, it will probably be because his cousin has convinced me, or accidentally on a trip to Oceanside.  This makes me feel so remorseful.  A constant pain where he should be.  It's difficult to understand much less explain.  I can only liken it to having gangrene in your arm.  You wait and wait and wait desperately trying to avoid severing it, but knowing if you wait too long, it will infect your heart and lungs and you will surely die.  When it's gone, you still miss it though, still find yourself at a loss and unable to complete tasks, feel whole.  And even if you go on to...win the one arm Olympics, it'll never really make up for how unwhole you still feel. I feel unwhole now.  He was my best friend and my most intimate lover.  I mourn him as though he was dead and that's not what hurts the most.  What hurts is knowing that somewhere, he goes on drawing breath, this stranger, living inside the body I loved and yet completely not that man.  Seeing him again now would be seeing a ghost.  I hold such hatred and love and pain and need for the man that he used to be that acknowledging the man that he is now seems a disservice to his memory.  But I remember the man I fell in love with, the man I planned this baby with, the man who died silently somewhere between then and now. 

Where ever you are, whoever you are now, I still remember.

Everyone else, now you know.

Current Mood: just...sad.
Current Music: Robin Thicke- "Lost Without You"